For Fear I've Kept Myself From Posting

Fear is the root of all things.
People say that, don't they.
A rhetorical question, I know -- It's because, frankly, I don't have to ask you -- we all know people say that.

And I guess I believe it too.
For fear I have kept myself from speaking. For fear I have left a question hanging. With fear I've held the quiet parts that would reveal a me
which I fear that I am not ready yet to see.

It's fall in Seattle. I don't know how it is done, but that moment between the 31 of October and the first of November seems to stretch forever. These months are two different worlds. In the cooling blue skies of October I can still remember the summer, but once November opens her eyes I feel unable to look any way but forward.
So I am looking forward.
Two years left of school is a long time.
In twenty years I will be forty.

When I am old, I would like to be happy. I would like to still be able to listen and not just talk. I would like to still be able to eat ice cream and other shit like that, but my grandma had diabetes so we will see.
My mother has pictures of her mother's hands on an old digital camera. It is beautiful: both the pictures and to watch my mother look at them.
I hope you get the chance to someday.

Listen: the way I am going to live is different than what the people say. I am twenty -- I get to believe things like this.
I am going to upheave the gardens of fear patterned into my heart and sew instead the wild seed of love. I am already doing this. Love for myself and for you. For Love I speak and do not speak. For love I question and I seek. With love I hold the quiet parts I'm remembering are me.

Up and down, but our elevation will never be the same.

And loving yourself is one of the most powerful tools on the path toward contentment.